Today has been a tension filled day, I am at odds with the world right now, and I certainly don't like the way it makes me feel. Its not even just one thing, its alot of things... that are sort of all coming to head at this moment. I feel like I am fighting something or someone and the worst part is, I am not even sure who or what it is. I know that someone who I held very close to my heart for a very long time, has hurt me. Its not something I want to air here, other then to say, I am hurt. I didn't think this was possible. I was wrong. Then it seems like there is a real tilt in the atmosphere, I know in my heart its probably all related to the same issue, but in the end, I feel like the little engine that could just trying to get up and over that hill. I think I can I think I can
On that same hill, is my little car that reads on the side "aspergers syndrome". Those two words, those small words hold so much meaning to me now. Two days before Christmas we took David to the pedetrician for that all important "Whats wrong with my child, and why is he always swinging from the rafters?" appointment. A litte background on David, he is my sweet wonderful four year old boy who has so much energy the Energizer bunny looks at him and says "damn". The pedetrician watched David as he buzzed around the room as if he was hopped on a cup of coffee with ten shots of espresso and asked me "Is he always like this?" I replied "Yes" I asked him ", Do you think its ADHD" and he just gave me this dumbfounded look. He asked if we can pull him out of this, and I said rarely. He then started to ask half a million other questions, that made no sense to me, is he methodic, does he line things up. Does he know anything about one subject, does he have a special skill (IE the fact that he can hear a song one time and know every single word), were his motorskills delayed (um he started talking at 3 1/2) All these questions... and then he says to me "I want to do further testing through his school (groans.. we know how I love his school) because I think it may be something more. I am leaning towards aspergers syndrome" he says.. and the air leaves my lungs. I knew very little about this at all, then I started reading. Something told me it was not good when I was reading and going "yea yea.. yea yea oo no. yea.. yea..." down the entire list. The yea's heavily outweighing the no's. Little did I realize, this little boy, who is so exceptional in so many ways, had that idiotic label that principal wanted. It made me sad and hurt my heart. As we learn more, as we find out more from the special ed people in our district we learn we will be ok, and not to panic. But somehow I want to push that stupid panic button. Even though, at this time, I don't have to. Sighs. I think I can. I think I can
For the first time in months, I cant label one of those cars for my immediate family, other then the one we label "bills and trying to make it work" Chuck works three jobs, he busts his tail for his family, and in the end, we struggle. We get them paid, the day goes on, but not without us both wondering what our next sacrifice or struggle will be. So I guess another car we have to label "bills" I think I can I think I can.
My final car, is the me car. Its the car that works the hardest to get over that hill. In this car we have the fact that I cant look in a mirror and say I LOVE me... there are many days I have a hard time even muttering an "I like me" Its very challenging because I don't feel good in my own skin. I look in the mirror and I see six chins. I try and run by any mirror because I don't want to admit that I have gotten this fat. Its sad, and it hurts to say I am not happy in my own skin. Tomorrow I plan on pushing the caboose over the hill, tomorrow i start a diet. I am scared and worried about it, but I also know I NEED to do this. For my health, for myself, for my family. It has to work. I think I can I think I can.