The Old Lady in the shoe has got nothing on me!

Trust me.. I mean it.

I mother six our house sanity is optional.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Erma Bombeck?

A very good friend of our families, recently told me that I should write a book about life and things I know. That I write with humor and have flair like Erma Bombeck. Now, if you know me. You know that this, aside from "have you lost weight?" (yes, btw 16 pounds since December 30th!!!! Can I get a woot woot?? Sorry.. my bad shiny object syndrome.. I am back). As I was saying if you know me, you know being compared to Erma Bombeck, is similiar to a Mommy blogger being compared to MckMama with her wit, awesome mommyness etc. Being compared to Erma Bombeck is like Rachel Ray being compared to Julia Child. Being compared to Erma Bombeck is like saying David Wright could very easily be the next Babe Ruth(baseball reference because we are only 32 days from spring training.. WOOT WOOT!).

You see, my goal since I have been knee high to a grasshopper (does anyone say that anymore? well I just did.. guess the answer is yes than huh?) has been to be a writer. Not about anything more than my family or my life, just the idea of being able to write. For me, that is why I started this blog. I am in the "well, gee thats great but I kind of think I suck" mode, others can say "Wow you have a knack for this, and I think "I have who for what?" Its not that I don't think I can write.. quite the contrary I know I can write, its more the "does anyone really care what I say?

So, I got to thinking (hey!! its 6:15 am on Sunday, I went to sleep at 10 PM.. I am awake and creative... I am gonna so pay for this later today), how does one do just that? No not write a book, be so creative that people are compared to you many years past. And I got nothing. damn. I don't think when I write though. I sit at this keyboard, or any keyboard around me and I begin to type. For no other purpose than well, I can easily get out what I need to say and writing is an outlet for me. I am sad, I write. I am mad, I write (Chuck usually doesn't like those it means hes in trouble). I am proud, I write. I am happy, I write. I have read every single Erma Bombeck book, I have read her quotes and I think that in my book should be canonized like Mother Teresa. :o)~ She was just so awesome, so 2010 my year of changes, I am now going to add that I am going to try and organize my thoughts (picture a Rubik's cube, no matching sides.. yikes) and see what I can come up with.

Erma Bombeck, this wonderfully funny mother who left her mark on society with so many books and quotes, is my hero. She to me was the whole package: a mother, a comedian and a author. Awesome. I am leaving today's blog with a few quotes from her, please suck in the greatness of Erma with me, and please leave me feedback. If you think I am a talentless wit, say it.. Its ok I can take it.. :o)~

"Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?" -- Erma Bombeck

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born. -- Erma Bombeck

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed. -- Erma Bombeck

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on." -- Erma Bombeck

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity. -- Erma Bombeck

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? -- Erma Bombeck

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. -- Erma Bombeck

See, how brilliant she is? Although I had to chuckle at the last one. In my house when I head to the bathroom and find the toilet paper not on the roll, I open the door and summon the entire group (yes all 7) to the bathroom. I hold in my right hand the roll of TP in my left I hold the toilet paper holder. I place it on and insert ooohs and ahhhs as needed. My kids and husband roll their eyes and leave telling me "they got it" and usually for the next week they do. After that however the statute of limitations runs up and they all forget. It is like ice cubes. Have you ever noticed that the recipe for ice cubes is a closely guarded secret? I know! I always thought it was just water too!! But my kids, well my kids have shown me i am wrong. If it was something that easily surely they would do it, right? Right? Ok please someone tell me I am right.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Tips to Fixing things...

Growing up, I was taught by my grandfather if you needed to fix anything you only needed one tool. A hammer. No, I am not kidding. That is what he used. If something needed to be fixed, Grandpa headed for his hammer. Didn't matter what it was...the Hammer was his tool of choice. There was one day, my Nana caught him heading out to fix the car with his trusty hammer and a block of wood. Needless to say Nana detered him, what a good idea huh? But alas more "tools of the trade" have come about in recent years so lets review some shall we?

For my darling husband Chuck, his tool of the trade is a Gerber, no not this one:

This one:
This is what he uses because it has pretty much every gadget known to man on it. Personally, I am just waiting for the one to come out that makes coffee. This tool, unlike Grandpa's hammer really does fix close to everything. Chuck is definitely a master of the tool sect, although he does have less accidents than this guy and no TV show:

There are however other tools of the trade, and I would like to take a minute to discuss them and their importance. Shall we? The first one I am going to talk about is the staple gun. Something falls off the wall, if its flat go for the staple gun. Its quick its fast, and its LOUD it tells that item you mean business. Thats right a staple gun. Thump thump and its up.

If you are missing your hammer, as we are often in this house (I truly believe my Grandfathers spirit keeps stealing it to fix things in Heaven or who knows maybe here on Earth, who knows what job God gave him huh?) So I will reach for a shoe. Yep thats right. I could not find my staple gun a few weeks ago, so I went for the hammer.. nope. no hammer.. so instead it was me, a nail, my new calendar and a shoe. But you can bet your butt my calendar is hanging up ;o)~ Yep, the shoe (not this one. its too fancy)

Super glue, break a nail.. super glue fixes it. Break something that has significant value or at least personal value.. super glue can fix it. Have a kid who won't shut up.. wait.. no that one doesn't work.. but hey it sounded good.. rough morning sorry! **editors note: I would never use super glue to shut up one of my children, or anyone elses.. however stupid celebrities and people who say dumb stuff like Haiti deserved to get an Earthquake we should use superglue... or....
DUCT TAPE!! How I LOVE Duct tape!! Duct tape can seal and fix anything!! we used to call Chucks old Ship the USS Duct Tape because when the ship had a hole in it the hole was covered with duct tape and painted over. Yea you wish i was kidding. I am pretty sure the US Navy keeps Duct tape in business.. and God Bless them for it huh? And hey if nothing else.. maybe the US Navy can lend some to people who speak when they shouldn't so they can keep their big fat mouth shut! Remember, silence is golden... duct tape is silver! (And assorted other colors)
So, there you have it.. some tools of the trade. What do you use? What did I forget? Let me know!!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Flu...

So 2010, has been off to a bit of a bumpy start. While somethings have been going swimmingly others have been eh. And now we enter...scary music...the FLU!! EEK! I had hoped to avoid this, no I didn't get the shot. I just hoped. :o)~ Oops. Wanna see something pathetic?

Mary looks thrilled huh? lol

Emily laying with her big sister, she went through five pairs of PJ's

First it was David, came home from school....and well I won't be graphic but you got it.. then it was Chuck.. same story....followed by AJ, Stephanie, Emily, Mary, Crystal (Danny's girlfriend), and Danny. Me? I am holding on.. the knot at the end of my rope.. I just gotta keep the guy who is holding the match under it away. I keep blowing it out :oP. Wish me luck!! I am hoping not to look like this guy.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Cause they say breaking up is hard to do!!

The other day I pointed out that I broke out with Dr Pepper, and than it hit me. I have ended so many other relationships this past week. So many that in fact, it is not fair to not bid them adieu. So here is my goodbye letter with some background.

Dear McDonalds-

You courted me with those arches from the time I was young, your Big Mac (a whopping 13 points) has always been there. But alas big changes are in the midst and we must part ways. No, no don't show me your salad menu. I know its there and when I am stronger we may still see each other but for now this is for the best. Good bye McDonalds, I will miss our weekly (sometimes too often) visits.

Dear Wendy's-

As I started this voyage, I thought well maybe I can keep her, but alas your point values show me that we too must say good bye. While you still have some items I can talk to (the baked potato and chili) for now we too must say Goodbye. Please do not make this harder than it already is, no don't look back. I will miss our weekly (sometimes too often) visits as well.

Dear Taco Bell-
Damn you and your border! How dare you be open til 2 AM!! I do my emotional eating than, and alas I can no longer express my emotions with food. Yes, yes I know you have the Drive thru diet, and at some point I will visit you. I know we can still be friends, for right now I must at least say goodbye to my dear friends the chalupa and the crunch wrap supreme. Until next time (if there is one) Bon voyage or Adios!

Dear KFC-

Oh Colonel Sanders.... I know you have the Kentucky grilled side but the fact is there is more points in your menu than there is in 6 of my WW southern fried chicken strips. Apparently you just don't have anything to offer to the table anymore. Sure you have things you can tell me are healthy but I know better. I know this goodbye will not be forever (you offer fast convienence when cooking is a 7 letter word), but for now. Goodbye and keep on clucking.

Dear Hardees

It is you I will most of all. Similiar to Dorothy and the Scarecrow, you have been there for me with your heart attack on a bun. For this reason, we must part. I am not sure I will ever be able to look your way again so for now, just go and let me watch you leave. Goodbye Thickburger,

Dear Little Ceasars-

I can hear you already, et tu Brute? Yes. yes I must go. Pizza while ok at times, can no longer be a weekly visit, it can no longer be a "I don't want to cook, stop and pick up four pies" No its time to realize you were a crutch Ceasar. But please know, my knife was only used to cut you and it is not in your back. .I promise!

Dear Sonic-

Sighs. You have your colorful drinks, and fun foods (fried Mac and cheese? hello!) but alas I know in the end you were only really hurting me. You were not thinking of my best interest, you were thinking of yourself. So now we say goodbye, and I leave you with fond memories of cherry
limeaides of yesteryear.
To all others who did not make this list (Outback, Chilis, etc) know that while I may still visit you it will not be as often. I have to get control of myself and this is the only way. I will miss you all, but I will not miss your effect on me. Bon Voyage!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

New Year, New Me, New 'tude

On Monday, January 4th I broke up with my boyfriend.. no not Chuck he's still here... I broke up with the Dr in my life. The one who was there for me through thick and thin. Unfortunately ALOT more thick than thin... :o/ Of course I am discussing Dr Pepper. And yes I know he has a wicked step brother named Diet Dr Pepper but we will never date (I am allergic to aspartame) so now I am dating Mr Lipton and the guy with the fancy name (H2O...oooo exotic) I have lost a whopping 5 lbs. (Don't hate its something right?)

I decided after seeing pictures of me at Thanksgiving and looking like this:

It was time for a change. It was time for me to take my tail out of the other zipcode it has been residing in. I am in the for the long haul. I refuse to call this a diet because diets don't work, instead this is a life style change. I am back on Weight Watchers, this guy be damned:

I am gonna beat him!!
My daily life has changed no longer do I reach for a twinkie when I want a snack, I am eating a 100 calorie snack... (hello Pop Secret I love you!! Kettle corn 100 calorie snack, hello Wheat thins 100 calorie snack, welcome to my world!) I have had five salads this year that pretty much eclipses what I ate last year (No, I am not kidding) I love that when we went to Walmart today, I was not lagging behind my speed demon husband I was with him step for step. AFTER one week.

We managed to get our Wii replaced and I play Wii sports daily, for 30 minutes. And yes somedays it still kicks my ass but I get up and do it! Its important for me!! This picture was supposed to be of my feet:

but I have not seen them in a long time, every month I vow to take a picture of my feet. Eventually, I hope they reappear in this picture, cause hey I have nice feet, see!!

I hope you follow me on this weight loss journey, I am gonna do it this time I mean it!!! I just wish it was this easy: