Today is Matthew's birthday, he would have been 19 years old. Yet, for whatever reason he is not here. And today, my heart is broken. One part of me says, it has been 19 years.. whats the matter with you?? Snap out of it! Then the other part of me kicks that one. hard. ITs not that simple. When you lose a grandmother you lose your past, it hurts but its almost expected. When you lose your child, you lose your future. You lose what might have been. I have a large family, and I am grateful for each one of my children. I love them all unconditionally (yes, even the teenagers), I have a good life with an amazing husband, and I am lucky to have him. I have friends, I have family, I have things that make me happy, and I am happy. But for two days a year, my face gets sad. I look at my kids and I wonder. "What would have happened if..." "what would he look like?" "What would he act like?" All those questions that pepper your mind and you can't help it. You can't help but wonder the questions, and you can't help but be angry that you have no answers. Angry or sad.. or some sort of frusturating emotion. And today, I will eat chocolate and ignore the calories, grief makes things calorieless. I will cry for no reason because I am allowed. And I will smile because I know as much as I wonder what might have been, he's in Heaven healed of pain, safe and watching over us. Its my personal solace.
I breathe in.. I breathe out. It may be slightly labored today, but I will breathe, and I will make it work. Its hard to make sense of any of it. .I can try, but in the end. .I can't. I am going to Mass tonight with my family, prior to that we are going to the beach to release a balloon for his birthday with a note attached. I know he will never "Get the balloon" and I also know I do this more for me. I have my reasons and while they may be insane .I am ok with that. Its my day to do things that are not clear headed.. that require no thinking. Its my day to just be and to breathe. I can't promise tomorrows blog will make any sense, but I will try to make it better then this one. hugs til then.