The Old Lady in the shoe has got nothing on me!

Trust me.. I mean it.

I mother six our house sanity is optional.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Breathe in, Breathe out.

Today is Matthew's birthday, he would have been 19 years old. Yet, for whatever reason he is not here. And today, my heart is broken. One part of me says, it has been 19 years.. whats the matter with you?? Snap out of it! Then the other part of me kicks that one. hard. ITs not that simple. When you lose a grandmother you lose your past, it hurts but its almost expected. When you lose your child, you lose your future. You lose what might have been. I have a large family, and I am grateful for each one of my children. I love them all unconditionally (yes, even the teenagers), I have a good life with an amazing husband, and I am lucky to have him. I have friends, I have family, I have things that make me happy, and I am happy. But for two days a year, my face gets sad. I look at my kids and I wonder. "What would have happened if..." "what would he look like?" "What would he act like?" All those questions that pepper your mind and you can't help it. You can't help but wonder the questions, and you can't help but be angry that you have no answers. Angry or sad.. or some sort of frusturating emotion. And today, I will eat chocolate and ignore the calories, grief makes things calorieless. I will cry for no reason because I am allowed. And I will smile because I know as much as I wonder what might have been, he's in Heaven healed of pain, safe and watching over us. Its my personal solace.

I breathe in.. I breathe out. It may be slightly labored today, but I will breathe, and I will make it work. Its hard to make sense of any of it. .I can try, but in the end. .I can't. I am going to Mass tonight with my family, prior to that we are going to the beach to release a balloon for his birthday with a note attached. I know he will never "Get the balloon" and I also know I do this more for me. I have my reasons and while they may be insane .I am ok with that. Its my day to do things that are not clear headed.. that require no thinking. Its my day to just be and to breathe. I can't promise tomorrows blog will make any sense, but I will try to make it better then this one. hugs til then.


Anonymous said...

(((((((((((((()))))))))) He WILL get that balloon! And know he is thinking of you just as much as you are thinking of him! Lots of prayers for peace and comfort! I love ya!

JalenasMommy said...

Hugs! and Prayers for you today!

Crystal said...

hugs to you! maybe he wont get that balloon on earth but he will get the message sent on it in heaven. prayers that today is a good day and that tomorrow is even better :-)

Wayne said...

I guess I cant really comment on how you are feeling but I can say that you have lots of friends to help you get through it peace to you

Veda's Mommy said...

Matthew has and will always receive your messages. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they were very touching and brought a smile to my heart as I remembered the moment that Veda and I released a balloon on her first birthday in honor of her big brother. Thinking of you. Hugs.