The little Engine keeps stalling out.

Today has been a tension filled day, I am at odds with the world right now, and I certainly don't like the way it makes me feel. Its not even just one thing, its alot of things... that are sort of all coming to head at this moment. I feel like I am fighting something or someone and the worst part is, I am not even sure who or what it is. I know that someone who I held very close to my heart for a very long time, has hurt me. Its not something I want to air here, other then to say, I am hurt. I didn't think this was possible. I was wrong. Then it seems like there is a real tilt in the atmosphere, I know in my heart its probably all related to the same issue, but in the end, I feel like the little engine that could just trying to get up and over that hill. I think I can I think I can

On that same hill, is my little car that reads on the side "aspergers syndrome". Those two words, those small words hold so much meaning to me now. Two days before Christmas we took David to the pedetrician for that all important "Whats wrong with my child, and why is he always swinging from the rafters?" appointment. A litte background on David, he is my sweet wonderful four year old boy who has so much energy the Energizer bunny looks at him and says "damn". The pedetrician watched David as he buzzed around the room as if he was hopped on a cup of coffee with ten shots of espresso and asked me "Is he always like this?" I replied "Yes" I asked him ", Do you think its ADHD" and he just gave me this dumbfounded look. He asked if we can pull him out of this, and I said rarely. He then started to ask half a million other questions, that made no sense to me, is he methodic, does he line things up. Does he know anything about one subject, does he have a special skill (IE the fact that he can hear a song one time and know every single word), were his motorskills delayed (um he started talking at 3 1/2) All these questions... and then he says to me "I want to do further testing through his school (groans.. we know how I love his school) because I think it may be something more. I am leaning towards aspergers syndrome" he says.. and the air leaves my lungs. I knew very little about this at all, then I started reading. Something told me it was not good when I was reading and going "yea yea.. yea yea oo no. yea.. yea..." down the entire list. The yea's heavily outweighing the no's. Little did I realize, this little boy, who is so exceptional in so many ways, had that idiotic label that principal wanted. It made me sad and hurt my heart. As we learn more, as we find out more from the special ed people in our district we learn we will be ok, and not to panic. But somehow I want to push that stupid panic button. Even though, at this time, I don't have to. Sighs. I think I can. I think I can

For the first time in months, I cant label one of those cars for my immediate family, other then the one we label "bills and trying to make it work" Chuck works three jobs, he busts his tail for his family, and in the end, we struggle. We get them paid, the day goes on, but not without us both wondering what our next sacrifice or struggle will be. So I guess another car we have to label "bills" I think I can I think I can.

My final car, is the me car. Its the car that works the hardest to get over that hill. In this car we have the fact that I cant look in a mirror and say I LOVE me... there are many days I have a hard time even muttering an "I like me" Its very challenging because I don't feel good in my own skin. I look in the mirror and I see six chins. I try and run by any mirror because I don't want to admit that I have gotten this fat. Its sad, and it hurts to say I am not happy in my own skin. Tomorrow I plan on pushing the caboose over the hill, tomorrow i start a diet. I am scared and worried about it, but I also know I NEED to do this. For my health, for myself, for my family. It has to work. I think I can I think I can.

For Just one week..

Welcome to the retun engagement of "for Just one week"... applause applause.. .ok if your not clapping even a little bit.. come on..just a little excitement.. please?

Last week, we kept to our menu, even venturing into the cookbook and making stewed porkchops and may i say they got 14 thumbs up.. (Emilys only 1.. no thumbs up but she did mmmm alot so that counts right?). David and I worked on his workbooks every day but today (its saturday.. come on the other kids are off.. he can be too.. its only fair) I am amazed daily at how smart my "unteachable son" is. he is so bright and I really still want to kick his principal (please see yesterdays blog for reasoning.. ooooo and the guy called me back!! on his own!! he was so disgusted about how we have been treated and gave me the principals supervisors name and told me to report her!! WOOHOO! he told me she should not be allowed to get away with that.

SO now we are onto this weeks....... ok.. the first one is big for me. This week, I will drink at least 40 ounces of water a day, I know its supposed to be more, but i am not a huge fan so let me take baby steps. I can do this. A little bit at a time. one foot in front of the other.. and soon we will be walking across the floor floor floor.. yea I am not sure what is with me either.. we will figure that out soon i promise.

My other for just one week I will attempt to keep my table in the kitchen cleaned off and mostly clean. This will of course involve daily/hourly growling at my teenagers but i can do pitbull mommy.. i am gifted after all.

Ok and i am adding one more.. are you ready? We bought an Acura Integra today.. its really pretty.. Its a good car.. but.... its a stick shift. I vow for JUST one week , i will NOT tell Chuck I cant do it... and make a real effort to try. (ease OFF the clutch right Chuck?).. ok that one I might fail.. but i am gonna try ok?

::whew::: there. .I got that out.. time to grocery shop.. in my van... the lovely automatic.. chaching. More later.

Thank God its friday.

Again this morning the alarm went off out of bed i fell to the floor. (1 year old next to me.. it was me or her.. i chose me... does it boggle anyone elses mind how a small baby can take up SO much space in the bed? seriously. sleeping with her is like sleeping with 20 kids her size, she is all over the place. Yikes.. sorry ADHD got away from me. I am back) So my feet hit the floor and I started to immediately think of something very important. No alarm clocks for tomorrow. WOOHOO. I turned them off (yes at 6:30 the first thing on my mind was turning off my alarm clock, why? because i am not taking any chances on forgetting and having that damn thing go off at 5:30, 6:30, and 7:05 tomorrow). I roll out of bed and check out bank account, hey look.. everyone has their thing.. me and my bank is mine. I budget my check book every morning, see what cleared the night before, check my balance, and then try and lay back down for a bit. Usually it works pretty well, today i could not fall back asleep.. that should have been my first warning it was going to one wonky day. (wonky.. hmm.. another word for odd. Think Willy Wonka.. but wonky instead of Wonka.. does that work?? does for me.. my blog my rules)

I got Emily dressed for the second time (when we got up at 5:30 because we were soaked through.. i put her in a sleeper), I gave her breakfast, got David breakfast.. talked him out of the twinkie he wanted..and he ate cookie crisp convinced he was doing something bad having cereal for breakfast.... hey i wont tell him differently. He usually wont touch cereal so i figure this was not a bad thing. Then I was sitting back relaxing minding my own business, when who should call but Mary's school. Fab. First of all, i LOATHE her vice principal.. one she is a complete witch (See old post about her telling me that David could come back when we knew what was wrong with him... see witch), two she is condescending which drives me BATTY, and lastly I am starting to be pretty convinced she has an issue with my children. So I groan.. audibily. I figure maybe she is calling me to discuss Davids meeting for Tuesday (Grr we will get into THAT in a minute), no shes callling because Mary sprayed someone at the bus stop with perfume. Great. She just got off of being suspended.. so she says "SO I am taking away Marys bus priveleges for TWO days" Chuck and I share 1 car, half the time he needs the car, so i growl that she may as well suspend her because she wont be able to go to school then. Ok.. so I ask to talk to Mary she says to me "well shes in class" I said "Did she say it was an accident?" she says "Well, i havent talked to her" I Said "Well did she do it on purpose" she says 'Well the other boy says she did it on purpose" umm ok. she pauses "Should i go get her" I said "YES" so she called out to someone to send Mary down.. .grrrrr. Mary gets on the phone "Mary did you spray the boy in the eyes" Mary "I was spraying it on me and he GOT in my way" @@ translation.. yes she did it. Ugh. So i chew Mary a new one inform her that she is losing her make up kit etc. I guess the ass chewing i gave Mary appeased Principal Hatchet because she said shes only suspended ONE day. ok. fine.. I say to her "I will bring her to school with me Tuesday when i come for Davids meeting NOBODY has called me about" she says to me :::: wait for it... wait for it:::::::::: Oh we had to CANCEL that.. since hes NOT enrolled anymore, you have to take him elsewhere. I blew my top. I went off on her to which she says "We didnt drop the ball on david" Finally fed up i said to her "YOU have been dropping the ball on my SON since the FIRST day of school!" growls!!!! I then rebrought up her line she said to me and she said "I Didnt say that" OMG amnesia? Did you hit your head? DO you want ME to hit you in the head?" OMG I was pissed.. I hung up with her.. five minutes later some other lady called me.. the kinder gentler version i Guess.. and she says "You need to call this gentleman" So I did ... and this poor man.. got the brunt of my life for the past few months, and i just fell apart. Every tear I could shed, i shed. he told me he is going to call me back before the close of business.. I am still waiting. Til 3. Then I am calling him. I am so tired of this...argh. OOH wait I forgot the other part of this story.... this boys MOTHER wants to come down to TALK to me. @@ Lovely. so I tell Principal Hatchett that is fine as LONG as she is nice. if she comes down and acts like a jerk, she will be asked to LEAVE immediately. I have not seen her yet.. but i am sure i will. Pray for me that it goes well..

on an upnote.. Super mom has decided to help us with the car issue and Chuck and I are going to go look at a NUSED car tonight. If anyone hears alot of small prayers being thrown up in the hampton roads area tonight, its just Chuck and Stephanie hoping this car is as cool as they want it to be.. since this will be the car Stephanie learns to drive on.. (OMG that hurts my head) oh boy.. but hey at least in the end.. its still Friday ;o)~

Absolute further proof.......

That I have no life....... I am giddy, I mean positively giggly that there is finally a new Ugly Betty, Grey's Anatomy and then I am seriously perplexed about WHAT do I DO ::::HEAVES into a brown paper bag to avoid hyperventilating::::: ER OR PRIVATE PRACTICE?!?!?! OMG! its too much for my little ADHD brain today.. ugh. see no life?



Groans...... If I don't get out soon... I think I am going to explode.



Just saying....

Totally Random

This Survey popped up in my email to the person who sent me this.. and you know WHO you are... I am blogging it.. it counts as a reply. ok? :o)~ just tell yourself I sent it to 18 people (the followers lol)


Strange Survey... <--this title just doesnt cut it.. wait to you see this....

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work? Yes, and I have rubbed it on my boobs. Garth and Delbert are both boob men.. ask Mel.

What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?:: 5 years lol.. and I liked it so much.. I married him.. .go younger ladies.. 1 word.. stamina.

Ever been in a car wreck?:: yes and the IDIOT cop told my mother 30 seconds more and SHE :::pointing at me:::: would have been DEAD. oh yes please make worry wart mom worry more.

Were you popular in high school?:: umm.. well no. but.. at my 10 year reunion people knew me that I thought didnt have a clue who I was lol

Have you ever been on a blind date?:: does meeting somoene on the internet talking to them forever and then meeting them in person count? if so. .yes.

Are looks important?:: Your asking an overweight woman this? hell no lol

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more??:: Yes and some I feel like I
have known my whole life <3 Nikia aka Louise lol

Have you ever been taken advantage of?:: Oh yes, and alot of its my own fault. I am too nice at first and then too meek to speak up when I should.

By what age would you like to be married?:: umm.. which time lol.. kidding. seriously I got married at 19 the first time.. TOO young.. and 32 the second.. TOO old.. so in the middle

Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?:: Only if they feel the need to share that with me.. why tell me?

Have you ever made a mistake?:: who me? Miss Perfect? no chance. BWAHAHAHA ok .yes.. daily.. LOTs..probably several times a day. ok?

Are you a good tipper?:: Yes, that is one thing I can say I am DEFINITELY a good tipper. Like that one time when i suggested someone look both ways before they cross the street.. see a GOOD tip. no kidding. Yes, we tip 20% higher if the service is out of this world and I have only gone below 15% one TIME when the waiter was too preoccupied with her table of friends to take care of us.

What's the most you have spent for a haircut?:: $140 one time.. NEVER again.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?:: Mr McNamara. just plain HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT. *Sizzle* I aced his class to.. go figure

Have you ever peed in public?:: I have kids and I have had 7 pregnancies.. you do the math.. DUH

What song do you want played at your funeral?:: song? as in one? oh Heaven's no... Morning Has Broken, On Eagles Wings, One bread one body, and Here I am Lord. Then the Dance

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?:: Yes.What would your last meal be before getting executed?:: Something with like 5 billion calories that would say take 20 years to eat


Beatles or Stones?:: Beatles

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who?:: Whats with the morbid death questions? I would pick nobody.. no wait.. Bin Laden, Child absuers, rapists, people who kill or hurt children

Beer, wine or hard liquor?:: Wine with a meal. Liquor to sip or shoot, and Beer to cook hot dogs in lol.

Do you have any phobias?:: Yes.. I cant have my head covered when I sleep. I flip out.

What are your plans for the future?:: to make it to tomorrow. One day at a time.

Do you walk around the house naked?:: nope. I dont feel scaring the hell out of the children is a good idea. Or the animals for that matter

If you were an animal what would you be?:: Elephant or hippo oooo or on really moody days rhinoceros (get me mad you get the horn). ask again after I do the diet and dont feel PMS bloated ok?

Hair color you like on someone you're dating?:: color doesnt matter.. but hair would be nice lol

Would you rather be blind or deaf?:: Blind.. i want to be able to hear whats going on around me

Do you have any special talents?:: i make people.. and they are REALLY cute ;o)~ oooo and i blog.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?:: take off my shoes

Do you like horror or comedy?:: comedy.. although.. and HE is not to think of this as a DATE movie... I am sort of curious about that Bloody Valentine 3D thing.

Are you missing anyone?:: yes.. every day...I miss my son Matthew, I miss seeing what he could have been. He would be 19 next month, and we lost him 20 hours after he was born. Hardly seems fair. I miss my Daddy and my brother David. And I miss seeing my mom.

If you weren't straight, what person of the same sex would you do?:: Angelina Jolie or Jenna Jameson

Where do you want to live when you are old?:: Somewhere warm

Who is the person you can count on the most?: Chuck and My Mom

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?:: Garth Brooks.

What did you dream last night?:: I didn't

What is your favorite sport to watch?:: baseball!!!!

Are you named after anyone?:: Patricia Nixon .. no I am not kidding.. @@

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?:: White Russian or Sex on the beach

Non alcoholic drink?:: Dr Pepper <3

Have you ever been in love?:: yes and I am now. head over heels

Do you sing in the shower?:: sometimes.. but its usually something from the kids shows

Have you ever been arrested?:: Yes.. for the dog getting out.. they actually gave me a summons with an arrest date and location.. seriously. that was it.

What is your favorite Holiday?:: ChristmasWould you ever get plastic surgery?:: i have never really thought about it
Have you ever caught a fish?:: this is where chuck dies. .NO, i have never been fishing.. OOO wait I lie.. I caught one in the fish tank once when we had to clean it.. that counts.. right??

OK tag on... i tag Nikia (yes you can reply to my post), Mel, my dear Mrs B, Chucky, Crystal, Lisa, Erica, and anyone else who wants to play :o)~

You have got to be kidding me.

I tend to read the news when I get online, partly because I spend all day long watching shows that make me blog about the lack of parental involvement.. (i know I know.. I am sorry ok?). Anyways so on the news tonight.. we see this article..


Man Wants Ex to Pay for Donated Kidney
AOL / Wire Services
posted: 1 HOUR 52 MINUTES AGO

(Jan. 7) - When they were married, a New York doctor gave up one of his kidneys to save his ailing wife. Now they're getting a divorce, and he wants it back.
Dr. Richard Batista said Wednesday he is suing his estranged wife, Dawnell. Since he doesn't really expect her to return the kidney, he is demanding $1.5 million in compensation instead.

Batista claims his wife had an affair.
"There's no deeper pain or betrayal from somebody you loved and devoted your whole life to," he told a news conference at his lawyer's office in Garden City on Long Island.
Batista, 49, who works for Nassau University Medical Center, said he gave his kidney to Dawnell Batista in June 2001. She filed for divorce in July 2005.

The Batistas have three children, ages, 8, 11 and 14.
A message left for Dawnell Batista's attorney, Douglas Rothkopf, was not immediately returned.

----------------------
Ok lets take a minute to think about this, shall we? Even if he was scorned, the chances of this guy ever seeing 1.5 million dollars is 1) slim to none and 2) a little over the top (ok its ALOT over the top). And while its sad to see that she did do something that is completely wrong, is airing this out like this for his chilren to see supposed to make it better? Unreal.

I am sorry he had his heartbroken, but I don't think his kidney back or 1.5 million dollars is really going to fix it.. gotta love the wonderful world of lawsuits huh?

Whats up Wednesday?

After a vacation of two weeks, Whats up Wednesday returns. yay! ok. ok.. I know its not that mind blowing but its my blog and I am happy to see it back.. so there.

Whats up? So far this week, I have stuck to the Ice Cream mamas challenge. Can I tell you thats rather impressive.. we are three days into the week and I haven't given up on it.. yet. Go me. :o)~

Whats up? I figured out last night late at night, that no matter how bugged I am and how many hints I drop to someone that their behavior is driving me crazy, it won't matter because its much easier to look at life through rose colored glasses then to see the real problems.

Whats up? Danny's IEP counselor called me today, a paper that was supposed to be returned to her is MIA. Great. Now I get to make a trip to the high school that prides itself on lousy parking. Gee I can't wait. ***warning if you did not sense sarcasm in that last sentence... I need to learn to show it better***

Whats up? I have hamburger meat on my counter pulled out, and I am stuck between burgers and cheeseburger impossible pie (This is NOT going off my menu because it really is pretty much the same thing.. and both easy.. I LOVE easy)

Whats up? how is it that when a baby turns one, when you look at them and you see ALOT more toddler then you do baby? no fair..I want my baby back

Whats up? my period is finally over so now I can get down to the nitty gritty of putting together my grocery list to start the diet next week, I have already made an effort by cutting back on my beloved Dr Pepper. Its not easy, but its a step.

Whats up? can anyone explain to me why childrens TV characters have very little supervision? seriously... Dora is friends with a monkey and a fox.. and her parents let her go all over the world. Does anyone else see a problem with this? And whats up with Max and Ruby? seriously... I think they need better supervision. Whew there I got that out.

Whats up? with my last whats up.. I am sure you have all concluded I need some adult interaction soon. And um your right. sighs.

Ok.. more tomorrow I am gonna go do laundry and clean my kitchen up ;o)~ oh and the worlds stinkiest baby just pulled up on me.. so um.. that too. PS I know at least ONE of you out there agreed with me about Dora and Max and Ruby.. its ok.. you don't have to admit it.. but I know you're out there :o)~